a simple love letter

I remember what it felt like when I went on my first date with you. How nervous I was, how many different outfits I tried on before you got there; and how my heart pounded and felt as though it was going to burst out of my chest when you leaned across the car to hug for the first time. I wrapped my arms around you chest and took in the scent of your cologne--a sweet soft smell, almost powdery; and how my palms were sweaty from the nervousness on the car ride to dinner. And I remember the look you gave me from across the table as I was telling you a pointless story, something to just make conversation. It is unexplainable really, it was as though you could see inside me and instantly you became apart of my heart.

I can't tell you exactly when I fell in love with you. Maybe after our trip to Raleigh, or the long weekend we spent together while my roommate was away. It could have been the time you drove down in a huge snowstorm to stay with me for the night. Or Valentines day when I had a home made card with my name on waiting for me. Regardless of when, I fell in love, quickly and hard. And as time progressed we became more comfortable with each other, laughed a little more, cried some, had drunken nights and hungover mornings together and adored each other for who we really were--are.

So what happens when all that seems to stop? And I find myself at across roads, we find ourselves at a cross roads? When did the crazy love passion and romance fade? And since it faded where did it go? Is it just in hiding and will reappear shortly? Or is it gone for good? This is like a nightmare coming to life, if only the Boogie man would shoo this nightmare off and scare me with something else. How can we get back the Ican'tlivewithoutyou,socrazyinlove,can'tkeepmyhandsoffyoufeeling back? Okay, so perhaps the "honeymoon stage" can't fully show it's face again, but that doesn't mean the romance and passion have to go...does it?

Maybe we could stop letting the TV do all the talking and talk to each other? Or instead of laying around all Saturday afternoon we take the dogs for a walk? Or i could make you the chocolate-covered pretzels you like, and you could leave me love notes? Or I could draw you a silly picture of you and I, and you could pick me a flower from the garden. Or we could just sit and talk to each other; talk about our dreams--maybe take a vacation in our minds? We could even go to the park and play on the swings like we were kids again on the playground at Northwood. We could walk down to the market, hand-in-hand and I'll buy a cupcake and you can get something to make for dinner. We could go to the bar, get silly drunk, and watch the Browns lose; you can yell at the TV screen and I can support you doing it. We could even take that hike I won't shut up about, or lay in the hammock in your back yard and share secrets. Or we could simply say "I love you" a lot more than we do.

I suppose the point I'm making is that though the romance has faded and our passion is slowly going with it, it doesn't mean it has to be the end. Maybe it's the end of the rough road and the beginning of the new path? And maybe romance really does fade if you let it; and the only way to get back the nervousness, sweaty palms, heart pounding, falling in love feeling is for us to simply, try.

Change | ch ānj|

"I need a change." A famous quote from who the hell knows that we use (I'll assume) on the regular.

It seems as though we're always seeking some type of change in our lives. Regardless of what form the change may come in, we--humans--always want something more. It also seems to be a fact that we want what we already have, i.e. a car, job, house, mate etc. But with all those fabulous things, we want more. So what happens when we find the change we're looking for? Lucky for you I have the answer, more change!

Can we ever be completely content with what our lives offer us? And if we do become content in our life, does that mean there is nothing left, hence room for change? Can we ever find the ultimate change in life; a place where we won't look for it anymore?

I'm writing about this because I've fallen victim to this thing we call change. What's mind-boggling is that I've already endured some change and we're only two months into the new year. I've graduated from college, working full time--hell even different hours, have a new roommate, and a new man in my life. Those are huge changes that I've obviously looked past these past two months, but I'm still looking for that thrill that seems unattainable. And even if I find whatever change I'm looking for, will I even be satisfied?

At what point do we say to ourselves, "I've had enough change"? Or will that be a statement that one will never utter?

Change. A little word with a big meaning.

S.E.X.

I'll be the first to admit that I am no sex expert. If anything, I'm a single gal expert. Therefore the next few paragraphs which include the word "sex" countless times may be incorrect in many ways. But I'm willing to take a stab at what sex is and how we young people view it today.

Now, we are taught at a very young age that, "sex is sacred" and to only be done with your husband or wife. Well, sex between a man and his wife went out of style some time ago and sex between two people who are in love or a relationship became in style. But the problem is it seems as though that fad is gone too. From my observation and living with some questionable women, sex is nothing but sex--that's it. It's as though we've forgotten the value and importance of intimacy with a person. I suppose it's not the end of the world to look at sex for just that, but based on my own experiences that gets old, fast.

We are so willing and eager really, to have sex with someone we're wildly attracted to. As if sex is the only thing on the agenda when we first meet a person...all the other stuff will come later, right? The problem with just jumping in the sack with someone we hardly know and are crazy attracted to is that we try to turn sex into a relationship. And the likelihood of that happen is just as good as it would be someone reaching the peak of Mt. Everest. Some make it to the top and back safely but the majority of people who attempt the climb only make it half way and give up--you can see the similarities.

So that question I'm posing is why? Why do we deem it necessary to jump someone's bones on the second date? Do we not care about what sex is suppose to mean anymore? It should come with a good relationship, not define it. We've got so caught up in sex without emotion that we've forgotten what it's like to have sex with emotion. I believe the reason for this is because sex with emotion actually means something. It's not just a one-night-stand with zero meaning and an uncomfortable morning after. It's an act that actually brings two people closer together...finally having the opportunity to give yourself to someone; learning someone's body and appreciate it for what it truly is.

So, perhaps we can stop looking at sex as just a lustly act between two people who barley know each other, or is that asking too much?

Bye Bye Cynicism?[!]

It is my belief that the long-time single woman is programed to believe that chivalry is six feet under and "courtly love" died with Chaucer. We've been single for a long while due to a number of reasons: having encountered one to many bad dates, the last man we dated was some type of alien, or the classic, he's a cheater. Regardless as to why we've been long-time single gals, we hit a point and give up; and Valentine's Day becomes a slap in the face rather than a time to spend with someone special.

For the last three or four years I've spent Valentine's day with my best friend, Amber. Our day usually consisted of early dinner, lots of wine, and so much cynicism that Columbus didn't know what to do with it. We'd exchange goofy gifts and enjoy each others company. Being the single gal that I am, I didn't mind Valentine's day (then) because I knew that I had someone special to spend it with. That all changed last year. She'd finally found the man of her dreams; he's a kind man who would do just about anything for her. And when they first started dating I told her, "you're moving to fast with him" while fighting extreme jealously. As their relationship grew and it got closer to the holiday I'd cringe at in the past, I knew that I would be valentine-less. Though we did our traditional dinner and gifts her cynicism seemed to disappear and love surrounded her like a beautiful cloud on a hot summer day.

So I'm proposing and even challenging the cynical single women everywhere (myself included)--embrace Valentine's Day. Find a good friend to spend it with, regardless of their relationship status. Go on that date with the man who won't take "no" for an answer. Or make plans with the man whom you have an oober crush on or a boy you've known for years.

Now, I know the above paragraph my have come to a shock to those who know me best because I've led you to believe that I am Queen Cynicism and anti-romance. And though this is still slightly true, I'm attempting to let go of those bad thoughts and embrace the opportunity that has landed in my lap, in a man who I'd least expect. I'm trying to believe that chivalry is not rockin a DNR tee and is still alive and well. That men actually want to write those letters and send the daisies you desire; that "courtly love" is still out there it just went on a 5 year vacation.

And so, I could blame my good friend and Valentine's day for my fading skepticism or the great man who is showing me how to embrace kindness, kisses, and endearment...once again.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Could you live on $3.00 a day?

As of late the TV, newspapers, and internet have been plastered with the horrific news about Haiti. The last I heard was that the death toll was around 200,000 and the country experienced an aftershock that was 6.1 magnitude. Now before I go any further, I want to make it clear that my intentions are not to take away from what is currently happening in the country. It is horrible what those individuals are experiencing. I cannot begin to imagine what it would feel like being in their position. But what I must say is this, why does it take around 200,000 people dying, and an earthquake of 7.0 magnitude for us (the citizens of America) to turn our heads to this already struggling country? Before this ugly earthquake struck Haiti, I would assume the majority of individuals didn't have the slightest clue what the country was already dealing with.

Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere. With 80% of individuals living below the poverty line and 54% of them living in, "abject poverty." This small country, about the size of Maryland, holding around 9 million people and, "lies in the middle of the hurricane belt and subject to severe storms from June to October; occasional flooding and earthquakes; periodic droughts." They are currently battling a low clean water supply while their forests are being cut down for use of fuel; not to mention the affect AIDS is having on the Haitian people.

Their life expectancy at birth is 61 years old.

60 deaths/1,000 live births.

120,000 people are living with AIDS and

7,200 people die each year from the disease.

Their official languages are French and Creole, though only 53% of people are literate. Their GDP per capita is $1,300 which equals out to about $3 dollars a day. There is no real labor force in sight either therefore, Haitian individuals are not likely to make much money. The labor force is as follows: 66% is agriculture, 9% is industry, and 25% is services (1995) and they suffer from high inflation which led them to -611 million dollars in debt.

Haiti has always been a poor country. They are laking the ability to become more stable and their economy cannot take off the way it needs to in order for them not to be so dependent on the Wold Bank.

Now if you've made it through the boring tedious facts portion, I would hope that your jaw is touching the desk, table, or couch you're currently sitting at in utter shock. I also hope that something along the lines of, 'that's so horrible' or 'I had no idea they were in such poverty' is running through your mind. I'm writing this because I'm frustrated and irate with us, and by 'us' I mean the American people. Before this tragic event, the United States government was already involved with the failing country. They've been attempting to help the Haitian economy turn around while providing policy advice among other things. But we had no clue what the country had already been enduring. That they are poorest country in the western hemisphere. That only 52% of the people living there are literate. Or that out of 1,000 births 60 babies die. Or that they're are high risk of food and water disease. Now to give credit to some...we DID know that conditions of this small country, but I think it's safe to say that many individuals do not.

It's just sad that it takes a 7.0 magnitude earthquake to wake up the citizens of this privileged country. It takes 200,000 people dying to say, 'I want to help.' Why wait for such disaster to occur to lend the helping hand?

source: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ha.html#top

"Writing isn't lifeless. It's the expression of our souls on paper." -Unknown

So, I'm feeling quite lazy today. Perhaps it's the weather that Ohio is finally seeing or that I've finally got a day off from work; either way I've decided to do a blog dedicated entirely to some of my favorite quotes...

"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking." -Unknown

"Feelings aren't meant to be logical." -Unknown

"I believe that people come in and out of our lives for reasons; and so maybe, she came back for all the wrong ones and he left for all the right ones." -Me

"I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances. And how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it." -Scrubs.

"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all..no...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that..over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable-like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be donee, come ruin or rapture. Love-like there has never been in a play." -Shakespeare In Love

"The thing about "starting over" is that you can't really ever do it. And as much as you might way to say "lets forget the past", you can't and you won't. We relive the past each day, even if we don't want to, we do. So personally, from my own experiences, "starting over" never works and is usually a complete waste of time and energy; but don't blur it all out because it helped you become who you are." -Me

"The course of true love never did run smooth." -William Shakespeare

"The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance." -Socrates

"Reality is the only obstacle to true happiness." -Unknown

"You cannot escape responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today." -Abe Lincoln

"Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out...but to see who cares enough to break them down." -Unknown

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." -Mark Twain

"If only closed minds had cloths mouths." -Unknown

"Life is an experiment sometimes, it forces you to do things that you wouldn't normally do."

-Robert Trogdon

"Beneath every cynic, there is a frustrated romantic." -Unknown

"In a friend, you find a second self." -Isabelle Norton

"Ultimately home is not a place, it's a state of feeling, a state of mind, a proper relationship to a world."

-Robert Penn Warren

"Thank you for not seeing me as a man, but as a friend who is one." -Michael Oryszak

"In order to find out who you are, you must look within yourself." -Me

"Don't let your dreams be dreams." -Jack Johnson

"We're meant to lose people we love , how else would we know how much they meant to us?"

-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"What our past is, is who we are. You can't reach it, but isn't it with us each day?"

-Robert Trogdon

"Language is an extraordinary thing. It is more extraordinary than any nuclear weapon. You can do anything with it." -Edna O'brein

"Be polite to all, but intimate with few." -Thomas Jefferson

"I wore black because I liked it. ...I still do, and wearing it still means something to me. It's still my symbol of rebellion-against a stagnant status quo, against our hypocritical house of God, against people whose minds are closed to others' ideas."

-Johnny Cash

"Perfectly lonely."

I swear, just when you're not looking someone a pile of men (or women), come rushing in. I suppose the saying is true, "when you're not looking, you'll find someone." Who ever came up with that saying anyway? Though I've found it to be true, I'm not quite sure I'm even ready to find that someone who may be looking for me or love in general. I have become so comfortable with my solitude that I'm almost scared to let go of it. It took me quite some time to get to where I am, that losing it would almost be like breaking up with myself. Perhaps I haven't encountered the right person just yet? Needless to say, this saying of, "you'll find someone when you're not looking" slapped me in the as of late.

I've been chatting with his man on the phone for about a week and a half now. And I'm not quite sure what to make the of the situation. He seems nice, friendly, easy to talk to, open-minded. But the minor flaw that is driving me insane is that he is way too available-if that's possible? And he is very forward to the point that it makes me nervous and second guess his "niceness." And usually I would let this kind of stuff work itself out, but I can't. I've told him that a major turn off is when a man comes on too strong-you'd think he'd get the hint! It is obvious what he is looking for, a relationship. And it's not that I'm not looking or wanting the same thing, but as I stated above, I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all that agin. Or is it that I'm ready for a relationship and ready to break up with myself, but just not for this guy?

Is this a problem? Not the man, but me. I am so comfortable being alone that I'm somewhat happy that my roommates moved out. I love coming home knowing there is no one here. I love waking up in the morning and taking a shower with the door open-if i so please. Or coming from work and being able to take off my shoes, jacket, and everything else at the door and just leaving them there. Now, perhaps I'm looking to far into this, but is this a problem? I'm finally found myself to be an independent woman who enjoys her solitude and would rather have a date with a glass of wine and a good magazine than a glass of wine and a good looking man.

According to John Mayer it is okay to be, "Perfectly Lonely" and I am just that!